The Struggle to Connect: The Guilt of Being There Yet Not Being There

 I can remember thinking, “Wow, I hate this life. Here I am, stuck with the bullshit. I have no idea what I’m doing.” As a recently clean drug addict who, at 19, had unexpectedly become a father, connection, moral guidance, and basic responsibilities were completely foreign to me—and I wasn’t digging it. Nothing can prepare you for fatherhood. Even if you had a perfect relationship with your dad (and let’s be real, most of us didn’t), it can still be hard to find the peaceful joy that other “well-adjusted” men seem to experience. 

For me, it was a dose of responsibility I wasn’t ready for. Looking back, I now see it was more of a mindset issue than anything else. Becoming a parent could have been the reason to step up—or the reason to get mad and resentful. With my lack of coping skills and newly diagnosed bipolar disorder, I chose the latter. And with that choice came guilt—a massive, crushing weight of guilt—because deep down, I knew I needed to be there for my son. But at the same time, I didn’t even know how to cope with myself or meet my own needs. Hell, I didn’t even know what my own needs were at that beautifully ignorant age of 19.

 It was a tragedy—raising my son in poverty, with a partner I barely knew, in a situation I never wanted. I didn’t think life was supposed to be like this. I thought, “Wasn’t I supposed to get married first? Have a wedding? Get my life together before having a kid?” Those words echoed in my head for the next 12 years: 

💭 “SHOULDN’T I HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER BEFORE I HAVE A KID?!” For me, it was the anxiety of not being enough for my kid and the depression of not knowing what to do about it that kept me distant and disconnected. It always felt like an act. I was acting like a dad, but I wasn’t feeling it. And that? That was horrific. I found myself lost in worry: Worry about finances. Worry about my marriage (or lack thereof). Worry and anger at God for letting this all happen to me. My emotions ruled my world—they blinded me on the regular. My ability to understand why emotions happened was about as developed as my ability to do anything about it—which is to say, not at all.  

The Science of Parental Disconnect 

Looking back, I now understand that I was experiencing emotional disengagement—a well-documented struggle for parents who feel overwhelmed by their own personal battles. 📖 A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that parental depression and stress directly impact the quality of parent-child interactions (Lovejoy et al., 2000). When parents struggle with anxiety, financial instability, or unresolved emotional trauma, they are less emotionally available to their children—even when they are physically present. That was me. Physically there, but emotionally absent.  

Fast Forward 20 Years… I now have my 9-year-old daughter. My son is 19. And guess what? Life still isn’t perfect. I’m still not “together” in the way I thought I needed to be. But here’s the crazy thing: I have never felt more connected to my kids than I do right now. The doubts are still there: “You’re not enough.” “They deserve better than this.” “Can’t you be better for them?” And my personal favorite: “You’re going to f** them up.”* All of these lovely voices are still there. Yet—I have never felt more connected to my kids. 

I have never felt more connected to other humans in my entire life. 
And this connection spills over into my other relationships as well. So how? How can I still have these thoughts and yet not be drowning in anxiety and depression like before? The Answer: Connection to Myself. Connection to the core of me—the part of me that is both the player and the play, the wave and the ocean. The part of me that is my soul. 

Wait, what?! I thought we were talking about being a dad here? 

We still are. 

On my journey to becoming myself, I started to realize something: 

💡 Seeking validation for what it means to be a “good dad” outside of myself was a fruitless journey. 

Yes, my finances improved. 
Yes, my work got easier as I became more mindful. 

But it wasn’t until I came home to myself—until I trusted myself over the voices in my head—that I truly started to connect with my kids. 

 The Trap of the “Well-Planned Life” 

We all have an ego—that part of us that thinks it knows how life SHOULD go. 

But who decided what “in place” means? 
Who decided what “together” looks like? 
And why the f*** did we all agree on it? 

Most men—myself included—were sold a false reality: 

➡️ Life should look a certain way. 
➡️ If you achieve that vision, you win. 
➡️ If you don’t, you lose. 

To that, I say: F* that.** 

 How to Connect (Even When You Feel Lost) 

Your life is a story of your own making. 

Something—some force, some energy, some resilience—has gotten you this far. Despite the worry. Despite the depression. 

That force? It’s still within you. 

Here’s what changed for me: 

1. I Listened to the "Something" Inside Me. 

We all have it—that nudge, that pull toward what we truly want. Call it intuition, gut instinct, or inner wisdom. 

2. I Stopped Letting Anxiety Define Me. 

Even when the thoughts creep in ("You're not enough"), I choose to trust myself anyway. 

3. I Focused on the Present. 

When I’m with my kids, I see them. I really see them—exploring the world, feeling their feelings, being exactly who they are. 

And I show them compassion—for their experiences, for their emotions, for the little humans they are. 

Because when your kids know: 
💛 “Dad loves me and is here for me.” 
That’s all that matters. 

 Final Thoughts: The Time to Connect Is NOW 

Now is all we have. 
The moments don’t last. 
And if you’re tired of letting depression and anxiety rob you of those moments, let’s connect. 

If you want a better relationship with yourself—and in turn, a better connection with your kids, your partner, your friends, your LIFE—let’s talk. 

Life is a team sport. 

Let’s move from worry and competition to connection and love. 

Let’s heal together. 

 Sources 

📖 Lovejoy, M. C., Graczyk, P. A., O’Hare, E., & Neuman, G. (2000). Journal of Family Psychology, 14(4), 610–626. 
📖 Ruiz, D. M. (1997). The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. 
📖 Lipton, B. (2005). The Biology of Belief.